


please know that i'm yours to keep

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff, M/M, they all live in north carolina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-31 00:43:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3958033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I was going to spend my life with you. Everything was supposed to be easy and then-,” Niall finally turned to him eyes defeated and he didn’t even look angry anymore just deflated and barren, “and then you left.” </p><p>--</p><p>After running off on his fiance Harry goes back to North Carolina his hometown and reunites with old friends and the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	please know that i'm yours to keep

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Girl by City and Colour

Everything had been perfect.

His family was in town and Liam’s too, the venue- a large vintage castle in the hills of London had been rented out for the night-, the reservations had been made for the dinner party, and everything had been fucking perfect. But Harry couldn’t do it, his heart had been threatening to crawl out of his mouth since the beginning of the week, and his skin was cold and clammy with apprehension. He supposed every engaged person got like this but no this wasn’t nerves this was full blown running scared panic. And he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go out there and marry Liam and it was the saddest thing in the fucking world.

He vaguely remembered how Liam had asked him, he had been sitting on a huge fucking yacht on the Pacific and Liam had been talking about something or someone fuck he can’t even remember and then he had said something that sounded a bit like ‘I love you’ and when Harry had turned his head from the ocean to Liam he realized oh that’s a ring.

It had been an expectation for him to say yes to jump into Liam’s arms and run off into the sunset, to marry and have kids and live like they were supposed to. And Harry had said yes because he had thought for sure Liam was going to take care of him (and maybe just maybe that wasn’t the right reason to marry someone) and then that was it. The ring was on his finger, he had called his sister back home in Greensboro, and then the world was his.

But now there he was, naked except for his boxers, and everybody was waiting for him to walk out there and marry the supposed man of his dreams but he was so fucking terrified. He was so used to making wrong decisions and fucking things up and marriage well marriage was the real thing right? People didn’t just get married off on a whim and god how disrespectful to all the other people who wanted to get married but couldn’t. Harry felt like a fraud like a charlatan and he knew that he could not walk down that aisle and kiss Liam and pretend to be in love with Liam in front of all their family and all their friends not when his traitorous heart kept telling him to get the hell out of there now.

So Harry did. He grabbed his jeans, wiggled them onto his ass, his shirt, his shoes that cost way too much, and then he was out of there crawling out the small dressing room window. He knew if he went through the front he risked running into well everybody and he couldn’t very well do that but nobody came through the back. Harry knew what he was doing was probably deplorable and cowardly that he should be going back inside and telling Liam that he was sorry and he couldn’t but he couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him that he had sucked two years away from him like some kind of succubus and he couldn’t sit there and stare his parents and Liam’s parents and his friends and the eye and tell them that the wedding was off. It just seemed too much all of it was too fucking much.

So he walked for a little, the London sun beating down on his back angrily. Damn him for wanting a June wedding so bad. He had wanted something romantic; he had wanted flowers, and all the pretty little things and even the clichéd fucking doves and now look at him wearing out his two thousand dollar boots. They would be flying into Scotland tonight him and Liam everything would be should be perfect. Could be.

When he felt like he had walked far enough that if someone ran out they wouldn’t find him he collapsed onto the sidewalk and called a cab, dug his fingers through his gelled hair. Well fuck it now. He sniffled and wiped the makeup off of his face. He thought about all of Liam’s fancy friends in their fancy cars and fancy dresses, he thought about all of his friends who had all suddenly gone busy when Harry had sent the invitations up to Greensboro. Zayn had called and Louis and Leigh-Anne and Cara, they had apologized and Harry had told them it was okay. He had pretended that he wasn’t hurt. But all the flowers and all the glitter was never their scene back when they were in high school and he should have expected as much. And not everybody could just drop everything and fly up to England on his demands, he was selfish. Liam tended to call him that sometimes when he was joking or sometimes when they were fighting about something that always gave Harry headaches.

He was always screaming about selfishness and Harry was always screaming about loyalty. He and Liam had their own personal demons he supposed.

He hadn’t noticed the ugly mustard colored cab in front of him till it was honking loudly drawing attention. Harry fought the urge to flip the guy off as he stumbled into the cab and they made their way to a motel at the edge of London, a seedy place that Harry only knew about because he and Liam had had a fight and he had went there. Liam would never ever look for him there. Liam would never ever look for him ever. Harry groaned the cab driver’s eyes drifted towards him. Harry didn’t bother with explanations. He was tired of owing everybody his whole entire fucking life.

The motel- Motel Centre- was in between a shitty pub and a McDonalds which was convenient Harry supposed but he wasn’t going to be there for long. He took off his layers of clothing, jumped in the shower, wiped the makeup off his face and the gel out his hair, and stopped feeling like he was going to throw up every few seconds. He noticed his hands were shaking as he wiped his face with a towel, he was scared. Scared that someone would show up and find him. He was anxious. He was sad. He was hurt. He was everything all at once.

After the much needed shower, he logged into his bank account, made sure he had enough money to do what he needed to do and then promptly booked a one way flight to Greensboro North Carolina for the next morning.

It was the first time he had no clue what he was up to and it was the best feeling ever.

\--

The next morning he checked his phone. Ignored the endless text messages, the many many missed calls, and then he put his shoes back on. He only had his jeans, his button up, his boots, his phone, and his wallet. No suitcase nothing. He had to admit he was a bit apprehensive was never one to pack light was never one to ever do anything ‘light’ per se. He was a go big or go home type of person but he supposed leaving his would-be husband at the alter and wiggling out the dressing room window was big in his terms. He also knew he had a cab waiting for him outside of the motel.

He wondered what his mother and sister was doing. Felt a bit guilty because of that, knew that he would absolutely have to call them soon but now now. Now he was tired and small and he needed to actually do something for himself for once. He didn’t want to have to settle anymore. He had never wanted to go to fucking Scotland with Liam, he had wanted Nashville but Liam had looked at him strangely, he had never wanted a blue suit he had wanted white, all he ever wanted was pushed under the rug. He was tired of being silenced.

He wanted to be taken care of or so he had thought and he had met Liam. He remembered being eighteen and new to San Diego, he was interning at the publishing company all while going to school. He was sharing an apartment with six other college students with six different majors. He was recently heart broken and he had met Liam at his part time barista job (because how fucking cliché). Liam who stank of great granddad’s old money, who made being a jackass seem like an art form, and who thought Harry was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.

So he took Harry out for coffee, and then lunch, then dinner, and then before Harry could blink they were moving in together. It was a family movie it was a happily ever after but it wasn’t happily ever after not even fucking close. Because Liam loved fucking around with anybody with a pulse, he loved drinking, he loved stupid fucking yacht parties, and drag racing (of the vehicle kind) and it was just not the life that Harry wanted to live. So they fought a lot and Harry could’ve broken it off he knew he could’ve but then his stupid brain would taunt him: _who else is going to ever take care of you like this?_

And now he had an answer: _my fucking self._

\--

Greensboro is hot like Harry remembered, it stinks of nostalgia and it makes Harry want to die. He knows every edge of this town because he was a wild child; he wasn’t easy like Gemma was he was everywhere. He tried to stifle down the thoughts of his beautiful fucking ex-boyfriend and his wild fucking friends and how much he missed them because he wasn’t supposed to miss them because when you leave a place you don’t come back missing it you come back hating it. Harry thought California held answers but honestly all he got was more fucking questions.

And he’s terrified. Of seeing everyone again, of being asked questions because half of his friend group got the letters. They probably think he’s so fucking dumb because who gets married at twenty three? Who settles down?

(But there was a point in Harry’s life where he was ready to get married at sixteen with the most special boy god had ever made, a boy who shone goddammit, a boy with a lighthouse heart but those were all once upon a time). He takes another cab back home, home in a small little neighborhood called Orion with two story bungalows with sloping roofs that give Harry so many memories. He wants to go back to the time where he thought him and his friends were invincible.

He guesses it’s true what all those smug fucking adults used to say about teenagers thinking they own the fucking world. But maybe we did- Harry thinks to himself- maybe we did.

\--

His mom still keeps the key under the welcome mat but it’s a new welcome mat now. Last time he was home which was when he was leaving it, it was a snowman. His mom really loved Christmas. Now it’s two Marshmallows standing side by side ‘HOME SWEET HOME’ it says and Harry thinks he might start ugly sobbing right there.

But alas he doesn’t. He just slides his finger right under the welcome mat and unlocks the door.

His house- or is he even allowed to call it that anymore- smells like cinnamon and saltwater toffee. He knew his mother kept a bowl full of them in the kitchen so that when the other members of their family came down for the holidays all the little kids could swipe some. Harry and Gemma usually finished them. Harry was so distracted standing there in the slightly lit living room staring at his graduation picture that he only knew a dog was tackling him when he was on the floor.

And not just any dog- his dog. Scott.

“Oh my gosh, babe.” He groans wrapping his arms around his two hundred fifty pound pit bull that keeps licking up and down his face and oh god he didn’t forget about him. Even though Harry had left for five fucking years, had been so freakin’ terrible to him and abandoned him he hadn’t forgotten him. And it wasn’t the town or the welcome mat or the saltwater toffee that made Harry cry it was Scott licking his face and whimpering into his neck and trudging dirt on him.

That made him fucking sob his heart out.

\--

He showers again after he and Scott finish their reunion on the floor of their living room. He then pushes the door of his childhood room open. He was rarely in the place going in and out to yoga, to soccer, to Niall’s place or Zayn’s place or Louis’ or some party. But it was nice to see it again looking nothing like he had left it. His mother wasn’t one to dwell, he had told her he loved her, she had told him she was going to change his whole room. He had laughed but she hadn’t been kidding. It looked nice nevertheless, it smelled nice too.

But his mother may have changed it but Harry knew her, knew that she was incapable of throwing things away so he let his legs carry him to the closet. It was a small walk-in and it had clothes in it that Harry could tell were his moms. She had an endless supply. He got down on his knees softly then crawled over to the bottom but he didn’t find anything, not on the top shelves either just a whole bunch of shoes and shoeboxes. He frowned then went over to the bed, stuck his head under it but nothing.

He turned to Scott who was staring him down at the threshold of the bedroom.

“Come help me out, babe.” He muttered and then he bounded down the stairs.

\--

He found them in the garage. The boxes full of his stuff and he felt a sudden jolt of giddiness and tension of seeing what he had kept as a teenager. He didn’t forget much but he had a feeling that he’d be a tad bit surprised. He made himself a pot of coffee and then hopped onto the countertop with the smallest box he could find next to him. He opened it slowly. First thing he saw was a picture. He picked it up slowly and snorted out a laugh. It was him and Gemma, him three years old and her five in their bathing suits in their backyard and the sprinklers on. He’s chasing her and it’s obvious their shrieking by their open mouths. He sees their old dog Shooter in the background. He sets the picture down, takes out another one. He looks thirteen years old and he’s glaring at the camera flipping whoever is behind the camera off.

He stares at the picture, knew it couldn’t be any of his parents behind the camera, wonders if it’s Gemma but he knows that he’s avoiding who it actually could be. His hair was doing terrible things back then.

He takes his pot of coffee, pours himself some, and then goes back to looking at the pictures. He goes through pictures of him and his friends but never with him and Niall never. And he knows no matter how much he tries to deny it that he and Niall took pictures together. They used to take a lot because Harry was obsessed and he knew he would develop them and stick them in the sides of his mirror and he’d stare at them when he got ready for school he remembered being so damn lovesick.

He goes back to the garage and he finds them finally and he spends his morning like that, sitting in the living room with the TV on as a dull blur flipping through pictures of him and his ex-boyfriend. Is it pathetic? A little but its cathartic. There’s a picture of him and Niall holding hands at an ice-skating rink, they look about sixteen because Niall still has his crooked fucking teeth and they’re about the same height and they’re both so damn skinny. It was before Harry hit his growth spurt and Niall began working out and they actually started sounding like men instead of boys.

He sees another one that seems so fucking intimate Harry’s trying to figure out who took it and when he developed it. It’s obvious they’re in Niall’s bedroom by the soccer posters on the wall and the sheets are thrown over both of them, Harry has his face buried into Niall’s bare chest (it’s obvious it’s Harry because hair) and Niall’s laughing at the camera flipping it off. It makes Harry’s chest ache staring at it. He thinks he’s seventeen then because that’s when he and Niall actually started sleeping together and not just falling asleep full blown having sex and the works. They were so awkward.

Harry remembered being jealous when Niall had told him he’d done it before. Sex with a girl sex with a boy. They were both always charming but Niall knew how to pull people because he was so cool you just wanted to be with him. So so cool.

\--

It was six in the afternoon when Harry finally opened his phone again.

Everybody had texted him and called him in the twenty four hour time span. Liam a dozen times and then he had stopped last night. Liam didn’t like chasing people Harry knew that not even his fiancé who he claimed to love. Harry bit the bottom of his lip staring down at the call button wondering what he was supposed to say how he was supposed to even talk to Liam but he pressed the green button anyway.

It was eleven at night over there in the UK but he didn’t give a shit. Liam picked up on the fourth ring. Maybe it was telling that Harry couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Harry?” Liam’s voice was gravelly and deep and familiar and Harry knew he had made the right decision. This was not the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He could not turn around in bed and stare into Liam’s eyes and be happy every day.

“Yes.” Harry said. His own voice sounded weird to him like he had went through this whole weird change in a twenty four hour time span. But he knew it was all him just hiding because he was scared he had always been scared. He had been scared since he was eighteen and he had wandered into San Diego, he had been scared since Liam grinned at him over cooling coffee. He was always scared.

“Come back home, Harry.” Liam said soft. “I don’t know what’s going on but come back. Come clear your head, honey. I postponed the wedding.”

“No.” Harry said huffing out a laugh and then a sob short thereafter. “You don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I don’t want to marry you.” Harry confessed. He looked over at Scott who was staring at him. The room was silent it was just him and his breathing and Liam on the other line in UK waiting for him to “come home” like a hysterical depressed housewife.

“You’re tired and confused.”

“No,” Harry said, “not anymore.”

“Darling-,”

“Don’t.” Harry snapped firm. How fucking dare he? “Don’t call me that. We’re getting a divorce.”

“You-,” Liam cleared his throat sounding startled; “you’re serious?”

“Yes.” Harry said. Wow standing up for himself felt good especially against someone like Liam who was so used to getting what he wanted especially from Harry. Liam was silent for a bit Harry could see him now laying in their fancy ass rented hotel room staring out the large window out onto their view of the city wondering why the hell Harry was acting like this.

“This is really what you want?” He finally asked.

“I’m-,” The ‘I’m sorry’ was right on his lips but him crawling out a dressing room window wasn’t for naught and he wasn’t going to apologize for something that he actually didn’t feel sorry for at all. He didn’t want to be with Liam anymore that was his prerogative. He wasn’t going to apologize for feeling like this, he would apologize to everybody forced to come to London for this for wasting their time but not for making an actual decision. “I’m serious this is what I want.”

Liam sighed harshly, “alright. We’ll talk.”

“Yeah.” Harry said even though there was absolutely nothing to talk about anymore. “We’ll talk.” And then he hung up because he was done talking. With Liam at least. He then proceeded to call his mother and sister and tell them that he was sitting in their living room with their dog and dozens of photographs scattered around him like he was investigating a crime scene. It was obvious his mother was angry with him but all she said was “we’ll talk at home,” and when Gemma got on the phone she sighed and said, “thank god you made the right decision,” because she was Gemma and she knew him better than he could ever know himself.

\--

He woke up the next morning to loud knocking on the front door. He had fallen asleep on the carpet in the living room and his neck was killing him and Scott was barking at the door. Harry’s mouth tasted like shit and he rolled around a little bit before he actually got to a sitting position.

“Down, boy.” He muttered to Scott ruffling his short fur and padding over to the door. The person seemed to not be letting up at all when it came to the knocking and when Harry finally opened he was enveloped in a hard bone crushing hug. He immediately knew who it was and he wrapped his arms around Louis Tomlinson, his best fucking friend from high school. When he opened his eyes Zayn was leaning on the door grinning at him.

When Louis pulled away he was grinning eyes wide, “oh my god! Dude!”

“How did you guys know I was here?” Harry asked reaching in and pulling Zayn in for a hug.

“Your sister. She had suspicions that you ran off here.” Zayn said with a shrug. Harry led them into the house following them in slightly giddy. He hadn’t seen his friends in so long, Louis’ hair was longer and Zayn was rocking a fucking buzz cut which was probably the most shocking thing about the whole ordeal. But it was them even grown up and supposedly mature it was still them and he loved that.

“What happened to the married life, Mr. Payne?” Louis said grinning at him. It wasn’t harsh though just teasing and he liked that. He shrugged,

“Not for me.”

“No,” Zayn said, “not for you guys. You’re totally a sucker for all that stupid married shit.”

“Zayn’s right.” Louis said.

“Well thank you, Oprah and Dr. Phil but that’s the truth.” Harry shrugged. He knew they didn’t believe him but they just shrugged like nothing.

“Speaking of married life Zayn’s probably going to propose to Perrie.”

“Who is Perrie?” Harry asked looking over at Zayn confused.

“His girlfriend.” Louis said. Harry quirked an eyebrow ignored the pang in his chest about the fact that he didn’t know these things anymore.

“Married life huh?”

“She’s pregnant and dad will probably look at me weird if I don’t wife her.”

“It’s a religion thing.” Louis said. Zayn nodded and Harry laughed,

“Well congrats, bro.”

“First off don’t say bro ever again,” Zayn said cuffing him softly on the chin, “and second thank you.”

“Where are the girls?” Harry asked because the longer he spoke to Louis and Zayn the longer his mind drifted to more people in their extended group of friends.

“Cara’s in France for the summer, Leigh-Anne’s in Florida for a little bit but she’s coming back in like a month so you’ll see her again.”

Zayn smiled at him slyly, “Louis and I think we should throw a party.”

“Hell yeah.” Louis whooped.

“Party for what?” Harry asked them ignoring the slightly excited feeling he felt at the idea of partying with his real friends. All the other partying he’d done in the past five years had been on yachts stuck with snobby rich people he never could get quite comfortable with. He missed partying with his friends.

“Party for you! It’s a welcome back party!”

“Nobody would show up it’s not like high school and the girls are-,”

“Shut the fuck up, Harry Styles. We got this. You just focus on looking pretty.”

“Don’t I always?”

Louis threw a pillow at his face.

\--

Apparently when Zayn and Louis had said they think they should throw a party they had meant that they already told everybody there was going to be a party because when Harry showed up to their favorite beach in downtown Greensboro all his high school friends and acquaintances were standing around, fire going and beers in hand. It was funny that they were all actually legally allowed to drink now as opposed to hiding from the cops who would usually break down their alcohol fueled parties.

When Callie, an old cheerleader spotted him she screamed,

“Harry’s back!” And that seemed to set off a chain reaction because everybody from people he used to hang around with all the fucking time to people he rarely ever said words to were sweeping him up in a long hug telling him they missed him and what-not. Harry would deny the swelling of emotion in his chest like this was where he actually belonged not in San Diego or London or Scotland with Liam he belonged here with all these magical people and their great fucking parties.

Zayn led him over to the coolers where the beers were and tossed him one. Perrie- his girlfriend- was with some friends. Harry thought she was sweet if a little snappish but Harry guessed not everybody loved being pregnant but it was obvious that Zayn adored her and it was so strange watching Zayn actually love someone that wasn’t a part of their extended group of friends. He was very opposed to the whole idea of falling in love almost like Louis but not quite. Louis was their perpetual bachelor.

“So you like?” Zayn asked him motioning to the people on the beach and the loud music blaring from someone’s Beats Pill.

“Yeah it’s great.” _Where’s Niall?_ It had been on the tip of his tongue since the boys showed up but he didn’t think he had the right did he? He didn’t like the feeling of missing someone especially someone he couldn’t have. Niall wasn’t a pushover wasn’t the type to just run into his arms as soon as he saw him, he was pigheaded and sometimes a little mean and a bit rough around the edges and Harry loved that about him. But now it just made him a little angry, a little sad.

“We’re all really glad that you’re back though honestly.” Zayn said staring at him intently. Harry knew Zayn had something to say. “But… why? What happened? You sent us all invites you… you said you were in love with the guy. And now that’s all over? It doesn’t sound like you, H.”

Harry was silent for a little bit staring down into his full beer hearing the waves crashing around him and a loud Maroon Five invading his ears and he really didn’t know what Zayn wanted to hear. That Harry was only marrying the man because he had money and Harry felt safe that he was constantly missing home ever since he had left that he was constantly missing Niall whom he had left behind cruelly. He ran a hand through his hair.

“I didn’t love him.” Harry finally said still looking down at his beer bottle. Zayn could see through anybody and Harry didn’t like feeling so open not right now at least. “I thought I did. I thought he meant everything to me but he didn’t and I couldn’t just marry him. I felt like a fraud.”

It was Zayn’s turn to be silent but Harry was almost positive it wasn’t because he was speechless but he was trying to figure out what to say. Zayn liked calculating things before saying them didn’t like wasting words.

“You’re not. You were confused and… sounds like you were kind of sad but you weren’t a fraud. And we all missed you down here so hey you got a good thing out of it.”

Harry laughed a watery laugh, looked up, and then promptly dropped his beer bottle. Because coming out of the water wet, shirtless, and a board tucked under his arm was none other than Niall Horan. Zayn turned around to find the source of Harry’s panic and then his eyes caught Niall then turned back to Harry and shrugged,

“Sorry… did I not tell you Niall was going to be here?”

Harry wanted to strangle him but at the same time his heart was going absolutely batshit inside of him. Niall looked so good so fucking ethereal, and so much older. He still had the skinniest legs known to man but his arms were magic and it was obvious he hadn’t spotted Harry yet. He was slightly on the edge of the party not quite there rubbing his board off. Harry watched as a brown haired girl walked over to him, Niall looked at her, smiled, and then leaned in and kissed her. Harry promptly turned away heart pounding in his chest, he wanted to fucking run away right then and there.

“Hey,” Zayn said softly reaching in too touch him but Harry pulled away and promptly knocked the Beats Pill onto the sand. The music got fuzzy and Harry swallowed ready to apologize. That was when Niall spotted him, mouth down turned and eyebrows furrowed like he wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. Harry wanted to say something clever but he was so fucking heart broken and he couldn’t find his voice. Niall had a girlfriend, a pretty brown curly haired girlfriend.

Louis seemed to swoop in out of nowhere and then he called Niall’s name, “come over here, bro!”

Niall was still staring at him when he reached in and grabbed his girlfriend’s hand intertwining their fingers. She was gorgeous almost like a model and Harry could never ever compete with that. She was also a girl.

“Hey.” Niall said voice deeper than Harry ever remembered. He looked so much stockier up close like he could carry Harry for hours and not get tired.

“Look whose back.” Zayn said grinning and clapping Harry on the back. Niall looked at him straight in the eye and grinned but it wasn’t natural seemed a bit rough around the edges, his cheeks were a little flushed and Harry wanted to apologize. But his nose was hurting something it tended to do when he was ready to cry and he was blinking rapidly to keep from doing just that.

“Hey, man you’re back?” Niall said not moving to hug him or anything breaking his heart piece by piece.  

“Y-yeah.” Harry said clearing his throat.

“Thought you left all us little people behind?” Niall laughed but it was obvious he wasn’t joking. Louis and Zayn laughed also to dissipate the tension.

“Came back. Missed it here.” _Missed you._ “Who’s this?” Harry asked turning his head slightly to the girl leaning on Niall and smiling at all of them.

“This is my girlfriend, Barbara.” Niall said grinning and it was just so mean and Harry felt like he was being betrayed even though he knew that wasn’t fucking logical that hey it was Niall’s girlfriend and Niall couldn’t just sit around and wait for him like some 1940s housewife to return from war. And plus he had asked. Barbara smiled, he shook her hand.

“Niall and I are old friends.” He said shrugging like ‘no big deal’ even though Niall was the love of his life and she had him right where she wanted him and he was out here floundering.

“We’re gonna get some beers. Catch up later yeah?” Niall said not to Harry but to the boys. They nodded did their intricate handshake thing and then they were walking away, Niall’s hand on the small of Barbara’s back. Harry stared after them blinked back tears and turned to his friends.

“When did that happen?” He asked.

“They’ve been together for two years. Met in college.”

“Oh.” Harry said because Niall and Barbara weren’t a fling they were an actual thing they were real.

“She’s really cool, Harry you’ll like her.” Louis said with a small shrug as if that was supposed to help the fact that Niall was in love with somebody perfect somebody that probably wouldn’t walk out on him and leave him and fuck around with his feelings.

But the party went on. Harry drank some more, ended up going in the water with all his clothes on, and every time he looked for Niall he was sitting around the bonfire arms thrown casually around Barbara laughing with Ed or playing the guitar. Harry wanted to tell Niall that he couldn’t play guitar for her that it was their thing that Niall played guitar for him and him only but who was he kidding? If things had gone to plan he would’ve been married he would’ve been in Scotland on his honeymoon and Niall looked so damn happy so celestial and Harry couldn’t take that away. He wasn’t even sure he was capable of taking that away. He didn’t even think he had power in Niall’s life anymore.

\--

It was one in the morning, he and Louis and Zayn were sitting on the couch in Louis’ living room shoving food in their mouths and watching old shows on Disney Channel. Harry felt like he was twelve years old but it was nice. Some slow RnB song was playing from Zayn’s phone and Harry was high as fuck. Someone knocked on the door and Louis stood up lethargically tripping over the coffee table. He and Zayn erupted into a fit of giggles.

The door opened and in came Louis Niall following him. He had on a snapback and clothes, hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants. He looked so good and Harry was so sure he looked like garbage.

“Look who’s here!” Louis said clapping Niall on the back and grinning. “Roll yourself something, stud.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Niall said grinning doing just that. He always had steady strong hands and Harry couldn’t help the way he stared at them, observed them. He wanted to familiarize himself with Niall’s skin again but he couldn’t. Niall was on the smallest couch by himself stretched out all over it legs spread taking up all the space like the standard alpha male. If it was way back when Harry would crawl over and sit on his lap and they would shotgun till they both were half passed out.

They were all silent for a little, hazy and half focused.

“How does it feel to be back, H?” Niall finally asked. Harry turned to him. Niall’s eyes were half closed and his snapback was on backwards, he had his feet up now on the coffee table crossed at the ankles.

“Weird.” Harry heard himself say.

“Why are you?” Niall asked.

“Why am I what?”

“Back.”

“Just some personal shit.”

“San Diego wasn’t as great as you had thought it was huh?” Niall asked still staring at him. Harry could read Niall like a book knew every single part of him and Niall was angry it was obvious. Even with his voice even and calm Harry could see the crinkle between his eyebrows, the way his arm gripped the seat, the way he didn’t let his eyes stray from Harry ever.

“I guess not.” Harry said soft. He was ridiculously weak when it came to Niall.

“I’m guessing you ran away. You’re great at that.” Niall laughed but it was sososomean and Harry was so hurt. His eyes went hot.

“Hey, Ni bro chill.” Zayn said softly but Harry could barely hear over the blood rushing to his ears.

“But am I lying?” Niall asked still staring at him.

“Stop.” Harry hissed softly.

“What was that?” Niall asked loudly. “Speak up I can’t hear you.”

“I said stop!” Harry said louder.

Niall chuckled, “why are you so mad?” Niall was good at that. Making someone feel like their emotions weren’t real or relevant. “I’m just stating facts, sweetheart.” He spit. Harry huffed and sat up quickly ignoring the dizzy feeling.

“What is your fucking problem?”

“Oh I don’t have a problem. I think you might though.” He was still grinning still showing off his beautiful white teeth still making Harry hate him and love him all the same.

“Why are you being so mean to me?” Harry asked him. His stomach hurt and his hands were shaking and he felt really fucking sober.

“I’m not being mean, I’m never mean. Because isn’t that what you did, Harry? Ran away?”

“I didn’t-,”

“But you did!” Niall yelled interrupting him. Harry jumped a little bit. “Fuck.” Niall hissed pulling his hat off harshly and running a hand through it. Nobody said a word. Harry didn’t know what to say because he was close to tears and Niall just… Niall was hurt. And Harry didn’t know how to reverse what he had done. He didn’t know how to explain to Niall that he had been eighteen and dumb and he had thought things would be better over there in San Diego but they weren’t they were just bigger. He missed North Carolina and he missed Niall.

“I’m so sorry.” Harry said soft staring at Niall willing him to understand. Niall huffed,

“No. Fuck you.” Silence again. His blood was running cold inside of him. “You didn’t even call.” Niall muttered and this time he wasn’t staring at Harry he was staring at the ceiling blinking rapidly. “You just up and left one day and you never called me and told me you were okay or why or anything. Did you think you were doing me a favor?”

“I-I-,”

“I wanted to marry you.” Niall muttered. Harry almost missed it over the TV but he didn’t. He swallowed.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt anybody. I thought-,”

“I know what you thought. That something big would happen over there in California but it’s just a place, Harry. It wasn’t going to save you.”

And Harry couldn’t really say anything to that because Niall was right because Harry had wanted something big because he had stars in his eyes and he couldn’t see that Niall was the star the whole time. He was foolish and now everything had gone to shit and he wasn’t great at fixing things. Harry collapsed back onto the couch, Niall went back to smoking and watching the TV, Louis and Zayn said nothing. The air was thick with tension and nobody knew how to fix it.

\--

Harry took a shower at Louis’ place the next day and then after found Niall scooping cereal in his mouth at the table. He glanced up at Harry and Harry didn’t bother looking at him. He was embarrassed and hurt and Niall wasn’t going to apologize not that he really had anything to apologize for. Harry got his own bowl of cereal, sat across from Niall at the table. They ate in silence. Niall got up soon and didn’t move for a little bit and then,

“What I said to you was uncalled for last night.”

“Yeah.” Harry muttered.

“I care about you. I love you madly.” They said that to each other all the time any time they were going somewhere or hanging up or just texting it was always: _love you madly._ Because they did.

“I still do. Love you madly.” Harry said into his cereal. They were always like that with each other: stripped bare. Even angry and hurt it was the same, no holds barred. Niall knew all of his insides and he to Niall and they couldn’t fake it around each other.

“Do you maybe… do you maybe want to go for a drive?”

_Yes please._

“Sure.” Harry said softly and Niall nodded once.

“I’ll be waiting in the car.”

\--

When they were younger Niall drove one of those big trucks and Harry would tease him about it all the time called him: “my little redneck” and Niall would grumble and stew but he loved that truck even though it was shitty but it was theirs. Niall now drove a maroon red jeep with dominoes hanging from the rearview mirror because cliché cliché cliché.

When they were younger and Niall first started driving he would always rush to the passenger side to open the door for Harry as if Harry didn’t have arms. Harry would always complain but he secretly loved it now Niall was sitting in the driver’s side tapping his fingers on the steering wheel waiting for Harry to get in. When he did Niall waited for him to put on his seatbelt before pulling out the apartment parking lot.

The car was quiet save for the slow puttering of the engine. “Can I turn on the radio?” Harry asked him. Everything about this was weird the whole him having to ask Niall things, the way Niall’s jaw didn’t unclench once since he pulled out of the parking lot.

“Yeah. Knock yourself out.” He said. Harry reached over and turned it on to some indie pop station that he knew Niall pretended to hate but he secretly loved. They tended to rub music tastes off each other. Like when Harry had gone to San Diego he had spent two whole months listening to The Eagles religiously.

“Where are we going?” Harry asked him.

“The farm.”

The farm belonged to Niall’s family and every summer since they were young they would go. Niall used to do competitive horseback riding when he was younger but then he outgrew it and started teaching Harry and then it just turned into them riding horses side by side. Niall always came out sunburned and Harry tan but they were always ridiculously happy about it. Harry missed that, he missed the farm, and he missed doing things like that with Niall. He wanted to ask Niall if he ever brought Barbara there but he didn’t want to know. It was Niall’s families he probably did. They’d been dating for two years not two days. Niall probably loved her- in love with her.

Niall passed by 7-Eleven first hopping out of the car.

“Want anything?” He asked, Harry followed and shrugged. Niall didn’t bother asking anymore just bought two slurpies and a large bag of Doritos like Harry loved. The ride to the farm was a good hour on the outskirts of Greensboro.

Back in the car Niall put the slurpies in the cup holders and tossed Harry the Doritos bag.

“Thanks.” Harry said but Niall didn’t even make a move to acknowledge him. Harry didn’t know why Niall was doing things for him if he still fucking hated his guts. But Harry didn’t mind because they were spending time together because Niall was close enough to touch now.

\--

When they got to the farm it was eerily silent just a couple of Bobby’s cows grazing.

“Where is everybody?” Harry asked following him out of the car and towards the stable where he could already hear the horses.

“Vacation. You remember how to ride them, city boy?” Niall asked. Harry rolled his eyes and wanted to remind Niall that Greensboro was a pretty big city but he wasn’t sure he would appreciate that and plus he didn’t want to fight.

“Yeah.” Was all he said instead. Niall hummed like he didn’t even believe him. Harry watched Niall interact with a couple of the horses, humming to them softly and talking to them lowly that Harry couldn’t even hear, and then he was taking two out of the stable walking them out. Once they were far away from the stable Niall hopped onto the horse easily and then he stared down at Harry waiting for him to get on his. Harry did the same grinning at Niall accidentally but his heart pounded when Niall snorted out his own laugh.

They rode side by side silently for a little. It was nice though out there with thousands of acres of green surrounding them just him and Niall and these horses. It was intimate in a way that not everybody could realize.

“You love her?” Harry blurted before he could even think about it. Niall turned his head and stared at him,

“Who?” Even though he very well knew who.

“Barbara.”

“Does it matter?” Niall asked. Harry didn’t know what Niall meant by that.

“I think it does.”

“Why?”

Harry didn’t have an answer. He couldn’t just expect Niall to leave Barbara for him but no matter how much he tried to deny it he did expect that because no matter how long he and Niall were apart they belonged to each other. It was the red string of fate you see? No matter what they would always come back to each other and she couldn’t be the one thing that kept them away.

“I do love her.” Niall said finally. Harry felt his heart sink right outside of him. “She’s nice.”

“That’s it?” Harry asked a bit maliciously. “She’s nice?”

“Yeah. How’s the fiancé?”

Harry felt his mouth turn to cotton. His head snapped towards Niall quickly. “Who told you?”

“That you were engaged? I found the invite in Zayn’s place couple weeks back.” Harry didn’t know what to say. Niall had been doing that to him for a while since he had returned. Niall laughed, “Did you even plan on telling me?”

“I’m not.” Harry gritted out. “I’m not engaged anymore.”

“Yeah and how relevant is that?”

Harry felt like he had been slapped. “I couldn’t marry him.”

“But you were with him, but you let him put a ring on your finger. So don’t treat me like the bad guy for having someone that I care about. She’s someone I could spend the rest of my life with.”

“Shut up.” Harry hissed lowly.

“What? Is it hard to hear that I’m happy without you?”

“Why are you doing this to me? Why do you want me to hurt so badly? Why did you bring me out here?” Harry dragged his horse to a halt and then he hopped off so that he was standing in the clean crisp grass. Niall did the same until they were standing in front of each other staring the other down. Niall shook his head paced a little and then he screamed it right into the sky,

“You meant everything to me!”

Even the horses were startled. Harry wiped his eyes quickly hands shaking.

“I’m sorry.”

“But that doesn’t bring back five years does it! I had-,” Niall groaned and ran a hand through his hair, opened and closed his mouth like he couldn’t get the words out, “I had a ring! I have a ring.”

Harry let out a shaky sob didn’t know what the hell Niall wanted him to say. He couldn’t apologize because it was obvious Niall didn’t want to hear it anymore and he was just empty and broken and he wanted Niall he wanted his boy but Niall was hurt and angry and rightfully so and he didn’t know how to fix anything. And Niall had wanted to marry him; Niall loved him so much he wanted to marry him.

“I was going to spend my life with you. Everything was supposed to be easy and then-,” Niall finally turned to him eyes defeated and he didn’t even look angry anymore just deflated and barren, “and then you left.”

Neither of them said anything. Niall was just pacing and Harry was crying. Niall finally turned to him again and came at him with long strides and cupped his jaw and held it harshly but at the same time so soft Harry couldn’t make any sense of it. There was so much emotion inside of Niall and Harry didn’t know what to about it, those blue eyes were his blue eyes, those hands were his hands. Niall rested their foreheads together and Harry was still crying but now his hands were on Niall’s arm holding him, keeping him right there.

“Why’d you leave?”

Harry swallowed didn’t bother with an answer. Just continued to stare at this lovely torn boy. He didn’t know if it was supposed to feel good that he still had so much power over Niall but it didn’t, it just made him feel sick.

“Please take me home.” He finally said.

\--

His mom and sister returned a day later. Harry helped them lug the bags inside. He felt emotionally drained and he needed his family, needed his mother and his big sister for now. First thing his mom did when she got settled down was go to the kitchen to make them some sweet tea. Gemma led him out to their front yard to the hammock and they both sat down rocking back and forth. She took his hand in hers, rested it on his lap. Neither of them spoke until their mother came out with the tea. She sat down on Harry’s other side and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

“How are you, darling?” His mom asked him. He rested his head on her chest softly like he used to when he was five and scared or fourteen and confused about everything.

“Scared. Upset.” He said.

“Have you spoken to Liam?” His mother asked. He had to blink a little to even remember who Liam was. It seemed like after the two days he had Liam had disappeared had forgotten that he was even a thing.

“Yes. I told him I want a divorce.”

“Thank god.” Gemma said squeezing his hand. “He was never quite good enough for you, doll.”

“I feel like it’s the other way around honestly.”

“Don’t.” His mom hissed grabbing his chin and turning his head so he was staring her in the eye. “Listen to me, Harry Edward. You are perfect, you are kind, you are light, you are intelligent, and nobody deserves you. You are heavenly.”

Harry sniffled and nodded slowly.

“I spoke to Niall.” He finally said because he needed to tell somebody. He hadn’t seen or contacted Zayn and Louis after.

“Oh?” His mom asked. “How was that?”

“We’re not… I still love him and he still loves me but-,”

“But he has a girlfriend.” Gemma said softly and Harry swallowed nodding. Of course they knew they lived there and the Horans and The Styles-Twist family were friends even when their kids broke up.

“You aren’t going to let that stop you right?” His mom asked raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know what else to do. I can’t… I can’t sabotage him.”

“But he’s your sun.” His mom said.

And that was that.

\--

Harry had been laying down on his bedroom floor all afternoon that he didn’t even notice Niall laying right next to him until they were shoulder to shoulder. Harry blinked then turned his head.

“Uh,” was all that came out of his mouth. Very intelligent of him.

“Your mom let me in.” Niall said staring up at the ceiling. “You still do this?” Niall asked him referring to Harry laying on the floor. He tended to do that a lot when he was stressed out especially when he was younger. Fall asleep on the floor or lay there, he never knew what had brought it on but sometimes it helped and other times it just soothed him. He was closer to the ground that way and he could just turn his head and rest his ears to it and pretend he was listening to the whole world turning.

“Yes. It helps.” Harry said going back to staring at the ceiling.

“With?”

“Thinking.”

“And what are you thinking of?” Niall asked him.

“Guess.” Harry said with a short laugh and Niall hummed vaguely. “Why are you here?” Harry asked him because he needed to know because he wasn’t in the mood for a fight and it seemed like that was all they’d been doing since they’d seen each other again.

“Don’t know if you haven’t noticed but I can’t stay away from you.”

“Why?”

“I love you madly remember?”

“Yes… but you have a girlfriend.”

“And you have a fiancé.”

“Not technically.”

“You signed the marriage papers right?” Niall asked turning to him challenging him to say no. Harry nodded slowly. Niall shrugged, “so you’re technically married. But I love you anyway and I have a girlfriend but you love me anyway.”

“Madly.” Harry said staring at his ceiling fan.

“Do you remember when we got our matching tattoos?” Niall asked him and Harry snorted out a laugh because god what was this? Niall was laying down on his floor with him staring at the ceiling and speaking to him about tattoos they got when they were stupid and young.

“Yeah of course. You were scared shitless.”

“Yeah and you held my hand throughout the whole thing,” Niall laughed and then cleared his throat, “well when you left I thought ‘shit I have to get this covered’ you know? Like I couldn’t just keep this thing. But then I thought: how about if he comes back to me and then I couldn’t bring myself to remove it or change it or whatever. And every time Barb and I had sex she’d always ask me about it like who’s this but I couldn’t… you were mine to keep you know? And it hurt thinking about you out there loving someone else and being happy with someone else and I thought well… he can’t remove the tattoo he just can’t. So,” then Niall turned his head and looked at him. His eyes were wet but he wasn’t crying and he looked so fucking wrecked, “can I see it?” He asked.

When Harry had first met Liam he had thought about it too, getting the N.H with their date written in roman numerals under:          X.X.MMVI removed because Liam had been a bit upset with him but Harry had told him that he couldn’t take it off that it was personal and gradually Liam had gotten over it and now Niall wanted to see it again. Harry rucked his shirt up slowly and turned so Niall could see it right there on his hip. Niall stared at it for a little bit and then reached in and touched it, hands tracing the tattoo leaving goose bumps in his wake.

They’d been seventeen and they had been forever and Zayn’s older friend Danny had done it for them free of charge because he liked them and Harry was excited but Niall had practically shat his pants when the needle got close to his skin but he had gotten through it like a champ and plus Harry had kissed it better anyway.

“Was he good to you?” Niall finally asked hands still tracing the tattoo. Harry looked up at him. He wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t know who Niall was talking about because it was obvious. Harry didn’t really know how to explain him and Liam’s relationship. It wasn’t that Liam was bad to him per se it was just that… they didn’t love each other. Liam may argue that he loved Harry but he didn’t, he liked the idea of having someone at home waiting for him, and Harry didn’t love Liam he just liked being taken care of. They fought a lot and the sex was good but… good to him? Harry supposed Liam was even though he couldn’t think of a time off the top of his head.

“Yes,” Harry finally said, “he was fine.”

“Did you leave him because of me?” Niall asked bluntly.

“You were half the reason. He was just not for me, he didn’t make me happy… do you want to marry her?” Harry asked looking at Niall. They were both back to lying on the floor flat on their backs staring at the ceiling. Harry wanted to know how much Niall loved this girl, if he loved her enough to spend the rest of his life with her. Niall didn’t do commitment with just anybody.

“I-,” Niall cut himself off and didn’t say anything for a bit. “I love her. She’s nice and sweet and she gets me but… but I can’t marry her.”  

“Because you love me?”

“Because I love you. Madly.”

\--

He was asleep and it was four in the afternoon when his mother poked her head into his bedroom and said, “Liam’s here.” He almost fell off the bed.

And she wasn’t fucking around with him because when he bounded down the stairs half-awake with sleep marks on his face Liam was standing in his living room handsome as ever with papers in his hands. Harry froze when he saw him and Liam froze when he saw him. It was the first time they were seeing each other since Harry walked out.

“We’ve been together for four years.” Liam said looking around his living room. “And yet I’ve never been to your childhood home. Maybe I should’ve known huh?” He asked rubbing his beard.

“Why are you here?” Harry asked rubbing his eyes. He was tired and an anxious and he wanted Liam to go.

“The divorce. You need to sign the papers.”

Harry blinked, “you already got them?”

“Of course. I’ll be sending your things too.”

Harry wanted to laugh because there it was. Liam hadn’t ever loved him this divorce was probably as much of a relief to him as it was to Harry. Nobody was the victim here they were both perpetrators no matter how much the other tried to deny it. His mother asked Liam if he wanted tea but he kindly denied. He handed Harry the ball point pen and showed him where to sign. It felt freeing that he wasn’t going to be Liam Payne’s legal husband anymore especially with Niall around.

Liam left after and Harry walked him to his car, his stupidly unnecessarily fancy car.

“Will I see you again in San Diego?” Liam asked him.

“Most likely not.” Harry replied with a shrug.

“This place suits you well, Harry. You glow here.”

“I suppose.”

Liam studied him for a little bit and then he slid his shades on. “Goodbye, darling.”

“My name isn’t darling. And good bye.”

\--

He was at Waffle House alone two mornings after when none other than Barbara slipped into the booth across from him. Harry dropped the book he was reading to stare at her. She was quite stunning and if Harry was straight she would probably be his first pick. Her hair was in a tight ponytail and it was obvious she had been working out. Even makeup-less she looked better than Harry on his better days. Harry wondered how in the world he was even still in the running with her around.

“Hey.” She said with a smile.

“Hi.” Harry replied cautiously didn’t know why she was here and what she wanted.

“Want to buy me breakfast?” She asked him with a small smile and he nodded slowly. She ordered her pancakes and waffles and then turned back to him. “Niall and I have been together for a while.”

“Two years.” Harry said and she quirked an eyebrow but nodded anyway,

“Yes exactly. I’m in love with him.” Harry felt himself flinch with those words. “And he loves me too I’m positive but… he’s different now ever since you came. He’s been different since the bonfire; he’s completely taken with you. And I don’t know the whole story about you two and I don’t… I don’t really want to know but,” she sniffled and wiped her eyes, “but I’ve always been told that if you love someone set them free and I love him a lot he was it for me you know?”

“Yeah,” Harry said soft, “I do.”

She laughed a watery short laugh, “Of course you must. But anyways I’m setting him free because he loves you and because he wants to be with you and you’re his happiness. You’re his tattoo.” She said soft and Harry stared at her at this beautiful brave girl sitting across from him who Harry had thought would be angry and screaming but was just soft and giving and so so selfless and Harry was oh so confused as to how he even deserved Niall when there were people like her around.

\--

Niall lived in an apartment in downtown Greensboro and Zayn and Louis were waiting for him in the car. He was scared and shaking but this was it this was what the whole two weeks stuck in this town had given him. It had given him Niall back it had given him Niall angry, it had given him Niall hurt, Niall small, Niall larger than life, this whole town had given him the most wonderful person he’d ever met in his life. And Niall was his life his whole entire beating bleeding heart and he would not could not should not let him get away not again not this time. He was sick of running away, he was here to stay.

So he knocked on the door loud enough that Niall could hear. Niall came to the door about five seconds later eating a bowl of cereal and before he could say anything Harry was pushing him inside causing him to drop the cereal and crushing their lips together. He missed that, missed the way Niall felt under his fingers and the way he tasted and the way he made Harry want to cry and laugh all at the same time.

_Loveyoumadlyloveyoumadlyloveyoumadly._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading xx. love you all madly :)


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